Good-Bye

I will miss my dog, Jack, as well. :(

I have always been the kind of person to push away unwelcome feelings such as nervousness, sadness, or worry until the last possible moments when suddenly it hits me: I'm moving out tomorrow. I like to keep a cool head - and worrying about something is no fun at all. I tend to go through normal life as if nothing new or different is coming my way sooner than I may realize until the moment of change is right upon me. Another tendency I have is not to like long good-byes. Short and sweet to get it over with is my policy. If I'm going to see someone again, I like to look forward to seeing you, rather than dwell in the sadness of saying good-bye. So I had not really thought a lot about what it would be like living away from my family and on my own for good - until very recently. Leaving my sister had an especially heavy impact on me.

Growing up, me and my sister shared the same room for many years (until recently - in the last two years we'd had our separate rooms). We are four years apart in age. I remember the stages of our relationship like this: as little kids we fought a lot but we also played together a lot. I thought she was a brat and she thought I was meany - at least, for 60% of the time. (I'm trying to be positive, here). Then we got a little older. When we spent our year in the states going to two different public schools, we did not spend as much time together. We still hung out a little, however, and did manage to squeeze in an occasional fight now and again. These past few years, though, our relationship has taken a different turn, as I finished up high school and began college and she ended her middle school years and is now a sophomore. We talk a lot more than we used to. We hang out, we laugh, we tease each other, and we still get on each other's nerves, but blow-ups are really sparse. In fact, most of our fights have turned into little spats that we have now and then - but nothing major. My sister asked me about a month ago if she was my best friend and I said yes. We're great friends and I love her so much. I'm proud of her - what she's accomplished and who she's growing up as and I love her confident, bold and compassionate personality. And I know she loves me too. Because I'm leaving for college tomorrow while she and our brother are in school, I reminded her to wake me up before she leaves to say good-bye. She nodded her assent and I turned so she would not see the sudden and unexpected moisture in my eyes.

In the last 6 years, I have lived in four different countries and have, thus, had to contend with saying quite a few good-bye's and see-ya-later's. Each time, however, God taught me a little bit more about trusting him to lead us to a place where we meet new people, find more friends, and make a new home. I am often comforted by the fact that God's love can be found in any part of the world and I'll never be lost with Him in the lead. I am looking forward to this new season in my life and am extremely excited for the plans that God has for me. I also remind myself that I'll see my family and home in Mexico again - it's not a last good-bye. (I've even got a return ticket to think about if I start to get homesick sometime this coming semester :)

I've written a lot of poems in the last few years and I like some of my older ones better than those I'd written more recently. I'd like to share one with you that I wrote a few years ago about good-bye's, titled Home Again.

Let the memories bring you home
Back to the place where you belong
Never forget, regret the past
Everything changes, nothing earthly lasts
Though far from home, from all that's known
What you love your heart won't leave
Don't disbelieve what you cannot see
Never abandon, forget the truth
Never fear where life takes you
Don't ask questions, wonder why
You'll be home again, never say good-bye

My Arms

Remember to give your all everyday
Enter the throne on your knees and pray
Follow your dreams, hold on and stand firm
Love with your heart and be loved in return

Near is the day when you'll see me again
Forgotten in laughter any semblance of pain
Leave the storms and the winter outside 
Enter my embrace and with me reside

You promised me once you'd never forget
You'd join me in paradise; your heart was set
So don't be discouraged that the way is hard
Or afraid to come with a heart that is scarred

Instead run to me with your questions and fears
Never hide from me your doubts or your tears
When you are lonely or this life brings you harm
You will find refuge in the warmth of my arms

Questions and Answers

Some photos from a friend's garden in Connecticut :) 

Life as an MK is full of different foods, cultures, and languages. It also involves much travel. Since I was thirteen, I have been on at least two plane trips a year. I've found that the flying experience can vary from being completely horrible to mildly pleasant and is usually coupled with different levels of fatigue, cramped muscles, and stress. The last flight that I took back to Mexico, however, made for one of my favorites. My first departure had been from Indiana and the second from Georgia. By the time my second flight came along, I was tired and ready to be finally home. I had planned to be spending the next couple of hours either sleeping, watching a movie, or getting lost in the pages of a Ted Dekker book. As it is, I was not often social on long flying days. However, as fate would have it, my neighbor on the plane struck up a conversation with me before we had left the ground and that would last for the majority of the flight. Had I known I would be speaking and listening in Spanish for some hours that day, I would have reviewed my notes and brought a dictionary. However, for the first hour I got along fairly without either, to my great surprise and relief. After a few minutes speaking, he remarked that my Spanish was pretty good. I smiled, shrugged sheepishly, and thanked him; the next moment I was looking out the window and silently berating myself. Had I actually just giggled? But the moment passed and the conversation continued. We spent time on topics such as where we were going and where we came from, where I went to school and where he worked, and other subjects like interests, family, and religion. Nearing the end of a few hours, however, my Spanish grew worse as my head became foggier. I tripped and stumbled all over myself as I attempted to answer his questions about Christianity and what I believed. I stuttered along, getting frustrated, as I forgot the words I would have liked to use and confused my tenses and grammar. However, he was a patient listener and his curiosity encouraged and emboldened me to press on.

After we landed my head felt brainwashed from all the thinking and concentrating that it takes me when speaking Spanish. I strode up to the custom’s counter and was told to fill in a part of my form that I had accidentally neglected. Of course, the only thing I could find in my purse to write with was a sparkly blue gel pen. I smiled apologetically and scribbled out my information. By the end of it all, I felt ridiculous and thought I looked as though I had never been in an airport before. 

The sight of my dad waiting outside the gate made me smile with relief and the ride home provided me with enough time to think over the conversation I had had on the plane which had given me a thrill inside. How cool is it to witness to someone who was really curious about God and the truth? As I thought this, I realized something. The questions he had asked me are the same ones that everyone who does not know God is asking, whether they speak them out loud or not. Everyone ponders the purpose of life. Even people who don't believe in purpose have to have thought about it to come to that conclusion. 


C. S. Lewis once said, "If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning: just as, if there were no light in the universe and therefore no creatures with eyes, we should never know it was dark. Dark would be without meaning." 


Whether people choose to believe it or not, we are made with purpose, and thus, that is a knowable and undeniable element of our existence. Everyone is searching for answers. Why are we alive? Why do we suffer? What happens when we die? What can satisfy us? Not everyone may be as open in their questions as the stranger on my plane, but they're there. There's a hole in their hearts where there should be God. There's despair where there should be hope and loneliness where there should be prayer. We have the answer to their questions: God. The Lost are all around us, looking for answers. When will you tell them? 

The View From Where I Sit

Light trickles down
Tear drops through the cracks

Along the winding staircase 

Onto shining glass 

Shimmering stars reflecting  

Diamonds on the walls 

On the floor pools of flame 

As the sunrise calls

Psalm 84:2

                                               

You are the owner of my heart

You are the keeper of my love

You are the writer of my life

My all and my only

My desire and hope

My whole being longs to be with the living God

My whole being longs to be with you

You gave me new life, a new name

You gave me new love, a pure heart

You gave me new peace, a great faith

New day and a new dawn

New love of life reborn

My whole being longs to be with the living God

My whole being longs to be with you

You’re the lover of my spirit

You’re the healer of my broken heart

You’re the rebuilder of my temple

My tower and shelter

My rock and my foundation

My whole being longs to be with the living God

My whole being longs to be with you

My spirit and my heart cry out to you

My soul and my flesh cling to you

My strength and mind yearn for you

I long for you with all I do

I desire you with all I am

My whole being longs to be with the Living God

My whole being long to be with you

Psalm 84:2

My soul longs, yes, faints

For the courts of the Lord;

My heart and flesh sing for joy

To the living God 

Hermanas Por Siempre

These are a few photos me and my sister took in good ol' Indiana. It's weird to think that this year we'll be in two completely different countries. I'll miss you, Sophia!

Growing Up

About a month ago, I had the great privilege of ministering to small toddlers and babies whose families are just becoming missionaries and who soon will be entering the field of their ministry in another country. The joy of serving these kids has been a tremendous blessing to me. Also, more than often in working with small children, my mind ponders what it was like to be so small and so young. In reflecting upon my own life, I think especially of how adventurous and sometimes trying growing up can be. I'd like to share these thoughts with you in a poem that I wrote on the subject a few years back.


Life Lessons

I'm packing up my life again
Life's so short, I remember when
We were all still children
But all things have their end

First you live in innocence
Unknown to yet your greater purpose
But hard times wash away the ignorance
They no more can your heart oppress

Life moves on, you learn to live
To win and lose and take and give
To not regret what you can't relive
To love, forget, and forgive

And now that I'm all grown up
I've been through worse, but still it’s hard to trust
These footsteps leading through the dust
Nothing lasts; all things turn to rust

Can't count how many times
Through many mountains I've had to climb
I've said good-bye a thousand times
Blown away like scattered wind chimes

I'm packing up my life again
Life's so short – I remember when
We were all just children
But all things have their end...